Dance Away from Rabbit Holes -Episode 4
From long-time friend, Mary, who talks about self-care. She shares two different kinds: watching out for the spiral that goes nowhere but down, and also how freeing it is to discover a passion that is liberating and changes everything.
Dance is the hidden language of the soul.
— Martha Graham
The Real Me
Thoughts from Dance Away From Rabbit Holes
Mary did text me and it wasn’t even 5 minutes later after our recorded conversation. Since we share the same kind of humor she knows what I will laugh at, and I do a fair job of returning the favor. Most mornings I wake up to several texts (she’s an early riser) in which I get to start the day with some giggles. I look for something she will find amusing and so the day goes. We typically share one goal we have for the day and are working on letting the rest unfold. (Since being laid off I have more time on my hands.)
As I listened to Mary’s interview I was struck with the practical application of two different parts of our conversation. They can be looked at separately and can also feed into each other to be utilized together. I wanted to be sure you have access to the tips as promised.
RABBIT HOLES
A rabbit hole is easy to go down and is filled with stress, hopelessness and worry. In this particular kind we are talking about our children, typically grown although this could apply to teens. Getting sucked in is a habit that can be hard to break, and yet it’s well worth a try. Our health and peace of mind are at stake along with equipping our children to make their own choices - particularly grown children. (Not the ones we would make for them but their very own.) Reviewing what Mary said here are some steps we can all take:
1) The event. This can be a phone call, an email, an encounter, a conversation, a crisis, etc. in finding out some info about your kid(s). This is where you need to pay very close attention to what you do next.
2) Recognize your feelings. You will definitely have feelings about this and may be ready to spring into action particularly to save, fix or make right their situation. So go ahead and feel but do not do. Just because you have a feeling does not mean you have to do something about it. The feelings will likely include fear, the what if game and other unproductive responses.
3) Detach with love. Oh yes, this is a hard one. The hardest one of all. Whatever is going on is their responsibility and you need to look at it objectively. Offering a suggestion is fine especially if they ask but then back up and let them do their thing. (Disclaimer: if there is physical danger or mental/emotional health on the line, this does not apply. Quick and immediate action may be called for in this instance.)
4) Self-talk. This is where you remind yourself that going down the spiral of the rabbit hole by getting involved is not good for you, or them. Tell yourself, I am not responsible. I cannot live their lives for them. I cannot save them. Some of life’s best lessons come from struggle, angst, pain and suffering. While we don’t wish these things on our children we cannot spare them from the character that needs to be built through the first-hand experiences they must have. You can add, I want my child to be the best they can be and they will learn from this. Hopefully. And if not now, then someday. And that is what you will hang onto.
5) Self-care. Do the thing that brings you relief and comfort all while stepping away from the crisis at hand. Talk with a friend or your husband, take a walk, dance, read, pray, take a bath, exercise, listen to music, or any combination of these things and more. This is an action-item. A do. It will likely make all the difference.
6) Be love. Be support. It is critical your children know they are loved even if you’re not thrilled with all of their choices. They need to know they are accepted even if you don’t agree. Meet them where they are at and stay there. Speak life to them. Be encouraging especially of any healthy baby steps.
Remember you did your best. Just like your parents did their best. Whatever we didn’t get from our parents, or our kids didn’t get from us, is now up to us, and to them, to find. No one gets it all. Ever. I remember doing this with both of my parents when I was in my 20’s. It was very freeing. Being angry, resentful and holding onto the baggage of the past doesn’t serve anybody. But the sweet release of forgiveness, acceptance and love is the best state of being.
DANCE - LIBERATION STYLE
As Mary shared, she has discovered “the real me” by dancing. Currently she is doing this totally in private but she recognizes there is a need to share this with other women as one way to feel free, inhibited, and be expressive. Let’s be clear. Mary is not a dancer by training and you certainly don’t have to be either to enjoy the beauty and art of movement. Her suggestions to get started.
Create a playlist with songs that have a good beat and make you want to dance. Mary is up to 60 minutes but that took a while. Start with an amount that’s comfortable for you and work up to a longer time.
She strips down to bra and underwear with fans going to stay cool. (Husband Bill leaves the house for his daily walk as this is her time and she uses the entire house!) You don’t have to do this but I want to applaud her willingness to be so vulnerable when it comes to wearing next to nothing during this activity.
Play the music. Move to it. There is no right way and there is no wrong way to move. (Just don’t hurt yourself.) She uses a mix of dance, aerobic moves, walking, running, skipping, arms moving in an exaggerated fashion. Mary experiences so much joy in this process that she ends up laughing. This is laughter, not because it’s funny, but because she is overflowing in a moment of pure bliss.
She fantasizes about going public to share how simple, and how fun this activity is and how fulfilling it is on many levels. I absolutely love it. It makes me feel alive. It transfers over to other parts of my life and gives me confidence. This is the real me. It’s who I am.
I for one want to give this liberation dance a try with the added benefit of feeling more confident. I hope you do too. Let us know how it goes!
There are shortcuts to happiness and dancing is one of them.
— Vicki Baum
