I Had Not Seen Myself as a Priority - episode 152
If you change the way you see things then the things you see will change. That is the philosophy today’s guest, Patti Diener lives. It took her a lifetime to realize how critical self-care was to every part of her life. She had not seen herself as any kind of priority. Shifting perspective, paying attention to intention, made a world of difference for Patti.
Now Patti mentors others. She has the podcast, Beautiful Second Act, in which she encourages others to live their best lives now especially if they haven’t before. It’s never too late to be more you, to find more joy, to find your purpose, to explore your passion. It’s either exactly where you are, stuck in some old habits that don’t serve you anymore, or it’s something better, something more. Ask. Believe. Receive.
Daring. Passionate. Writer.
— Patti Diener
Especially in Your Own Life
Thoughts from I Had Not Seen Myself as a Priority
This is a familiar refrain Patti shares. We often come last on our very own list. Why is that? Well, as a woman I can only speak from my point of view, as a woman. Let’s start with my generation because I think there is a lot of value in breaking it down that way. We were starting to see that the possibilities for “girls” were growing. I can remember in 2nd grade CCD (think Sunday school but it’s on a week night), we had to stand up and say what we wanted to be when we grew up. I wish I could replay all of the answers so I could break it down into percentages even though I’m not a math-person. Every answer was either nun, teacher or an occasional nurse. Wow! Were we answering honestly or were we saying what we thought the CCD teacher wanted to hear. I don’t remember. I do recall a vague memory of wanting to say “actress” but feeling like I shouldn’t. This is the second grade! So already the people-pleasing bent was in pretty high-gear, plus I’m a first-born which magnifies that tendency.
Within a handful of years I could see women becoming all kinds of different things, and the media reflected that. The Mary Tyler Moore Show exemplified that as did That Girl. Both were shows I consumed. I wanted to be both Mary and Ann-Marie. Independent, self-sufficient, and open to romance. Around that time I took a psychology course in high school which I loved, and I seriously considered going into that field. I did major in psychology and met brilliant female professors while at the University of San Diego where I earned my degree in, you guessed it, psychology. My people-pleasing gene was at bay and I saw there were plenty of options for me. But was this true for my mother? For her mother?
My mom had a friend who was a policewoman and I thought that was incredible. How exciting, how scary, how unusual. I admired her being in a male-dominated field. Her choices inspired me to be that much more independent, that much more confident. She was breaking barriers. My mom herself worked as a medical secretary raising my brother and me as a single parent. She made a tough life look easier than it was. That was a choice. Not to complain. Not to bad-mouth her ex. And maybe she squeezed out just a bit of time for herself. As it turns out, her life was made just a bit easier by her mother. Second-born on a working farm, this woman had a work ethic that was off the charts. She herself became a single-mother and made the down payment on a house for her daughter (my mom) because she wanted her two grandchildren to be raised in a house. If I were to ask her if she was a people-pleaser I think she would say something along the lines of, People-pleaser? What do you mean? Here, have a See’s candy. She was a doer, there was no time to see herself as a priority.
It seems as though each generation has made the way for the upcoming generation to have a little more, be a little more. Each develops the muscle of awareness, ponders what is possible, desires to live into a more multi-dimensional life. Maybe our intentions have become more complex. Maybe we want more. And isn’t that a good thing. My daughters have more open to them than I did. I’d like to think any aptitude to people-please has been deeply diminished for them, and has been replaced with a natural, healthy desire for your loved ones to see you, to see the value you bring, and to affirm it. You are a priority, especially in your own life.
She made a way for me.
— RCN
Mom, Cheryl
