I’m Going to Write a Book - episode 170
Determined is definitely an accurate word to describe Sarah Harbut’s conviction to be an author. She can remember when she was a young girl thinking she would grow up to write, and not just for pleasure, but to actually be an author. First a lot of life got in the way. Sarah returned to the passion that was there all along, and is self-publishing her first book, Less Fear, More Fire. I like that she called it her first book because it’s clear she’s determined to write more.
Sarah has been influenced by Steve Harvey’s Jump philosophy. Identify your gift then take the jump and share it. It’s worth the risk because otherwise how will you know what might have been. This way of thinking is right up the Unabashed You message. And maybe that’s why we were led to Sarah. She’s reminding us to minimize the fear and to take the fire within us, harness the power of it, and use it for good. Just like she has.
Fierce. Determined. Passionate.
— Sarah Harbut
I Wrote One Too
Thoughts from I’m Going to Write a Book
It turns out I have also joined the ranks of author. Or I did 25 years ago. For me it’s always been funny to add an “or” or “er” at the end of a word to describe what I do or how I identify my roles. I like to dance but I’ve never thought of myself as a “dancer” as in I couldn’t possibly claim that title unless I’d studied dance for umpteen years. I like to swim but am not a “swimmer.” You get the idea. I’m not sure why that is. All I can think of is I haven’t mastered any of those categories so therefore I’m not eligible to belong to that seemingly elite group.
Even when I wore “author” in the first sentence above it didn't feel right. I wrote one book if you can call it that. The actual definition of book: a published account or an account, a diary. I guess that fits. I self-published it which many people do especially now, and good for them. I sent it to all the people who were a part of my circle at that time and to those who asked for a copy. Looking it up just now it came to about 100 people. That number is small, yes, and please know these were copied off of a copy machine and bound by me with spiral binding coils. My longest friend drew the cover.
I digress without really telling you what the book was about. I started writing letters on the day I found out the son I was six months pregnant with had a lethal heart defect and would likely die within a few hours of birth. Obviously not the news you expect at a sonogram but there you have it. I don’t want to get too into the weeds of the story (the book details all of it) except to say I began to write. This allowed me to process, to think, to feel, and to express. My first letters were to our son. That day, after finding out the news, I felt an urgent need to name him so we did. Christian John. Letters to Christian, and letters to God.
I had previously learned a response-writing technique that I found insightful and moving. I felt it increased my faith. It’s where you write to God and then you write a response back to yourself with what you think God would say, or what you want to hear from him. There are those believe he is saying this to you. Really that’s for each person to decide.
I wrote these letters to Christian, to God (with response) and then I found we were receiving these deeply meaningful letters from those we knew and loved along with letters from people we didn’t know well. They all expressed something that came up for them - a thought, a feeling, a revelation that they wanted to share. I can’t begin to tell you the magnitude of impact these had on me. I cherished each and every one.
After Christian died I kept writing to him, to God, and the letters from others continued. And the blessings, oh the blessings in the midst of the pain. As if by a design I wasn’t fully aware of, I took all the letters and organized them, weaving narration throughout to give it a cohesive feel, to help explain this tremendous story as it unfolded for our family and friends.
Then I felt compelled to share it with each person who had loved us through this unthinkable time. So I did. In the beginning people told me, This should be out there. I sent a few inquiries, nothing happened. I didn’t mind. The process was the gift. Now that was about 25 years ago. Every once and a while a loved one will remind me of the impact it had for them and how it needs to be out there.
One of the letters we received was from a fellow teacher. He described me as “standing tall.” An entire school community including my students, our family and friends were watching. Not that I noticed. I was far too busy surviving with full-time teaching, a husband and four kids at home plus the usual life stuff not to mention the care surrounding the unique pregnancy. I feel very humbled by that description and not at all certain it fits. If I did in any way endure well then I assure you it was all by God’s grace.
The book? It’s called Standing Tall: A Collection of Mourning. And I think I will put a few feelers out into the publishing world. There may be somebody out there who needs some hope as their heart breaks.
Writing is a way to process, to think, to feel, and to express. It is me on paper.
— RCN
