Saying Yes to Asking for a Friend - episode 164
“Yes, I’d love to help you celebrate your one-year anniversary!” That’s what I said when my friend, Michele, asked me to be on her podcast, Asking for a Friend. What is it I keep reading on social media? ‘Empowering women empower women.’ There are so many variations of this same thought out there. We don’t have to compete. We don’t have to compare. Michele and I each have a podcast and likely share some of the same audience yet we lift each other up, share notes, and make each other better whenever possible.
Being an introvert I find it fascinating that I can be a talker when we hit on a subject I am passionate about. Actually it’s more than a subject. It’s a reality. A way of thinking of things. A way of life. That’s one of the things I like about being a woman who is eager to help other women. (Along with the men in my life too!) Face your fear; find courage to embrace confidence. Do it scared if you need to. Find people who lift you up, and do the same for them.
Find people who lift you up - like Michele.
— Me and Michele Folan, friends who lift each other up
Cellulite and Shiny Foreheads
Thoughts from Saying Yes to Asking for a Friend
There was this time when I was in high school and we had a student teacher. Her name was Jill and I think she asked us to call her that. It was a psychology class and I thought it was a very cutting edge class to be taking. The ‘regular’ teacher was ‘older’ and I didn’t think that was nearly as cool as this young, hip, cool woman teaching us. (I wonder if this experience is why I ended up majoring in psychology?) Anyway, I remember one of our assignments was to draw a picture of ourself, a self-portrait, the way we see ourself. I drew a diamond as a body with big eyes and long eyelashes for the face along with the brown hair I have. (Of course now it is helped by salon visits. I am simply not ready to go gray. Maybe one day.)
When I think back to the blurry image in my mind of how I saw myself it reminds me of a time when I did not see myself in realistic terms. I was slender but not as thin as some others. I was pretty but not as pretty as others. My body was fine but not as good as some others. I was seventeen and had already amassed an insecure mindset about what I looked like to myself. I emphasize that part because I know now that is not how I was seen by the rest of the people in my life. I enjoyed learning, had school spirit. I was considered popular and got good grades. I had close friends and a boyfriend. And yet this insecure side. Comparing myself, big time, to those I thought were better.
I’m struck by how early in life this starts for women. I’m not sure exactly when this started but I imagine it was in bits and pieces a long time in forming. I remember a boy I went to elementary school teasing me about my shiny forehead. Was it? I valued his opinion as he was a friend but I have to tell you that comment really stuck with me. I can still hear his voice saying it. It’s probably no coincidence I eventually wore my hair in a way that hid part of my forehead. (In his defense my forehead is ‘high’ which I think is a nice way of saying long or tall, wide in a vertical sense.)
I think I was in 10th grade when I noticed I had some cellulite and became very self-conscious about it. Having a few bumps on otherwise nice looking legs was horrifying to me. I remember being in my early twenties and was seated next to a boyfriend on a couch. He said, You have it there too? as he pointed at a dimple in my calf. Horrifying. How could I possibly take care of that. Another boyfriend commenting on the inside of my knees as being big. What?! How on earth do you work on that area! In many ways I wanted to present perfection and this was far from it. Here’s the thing: I weighed about 112-118 pounds throughout those years. I was fairly active so reasonably fit. I look back at that young woman and I have so much to say to her.
You are not perfect. You don’t want to be perfect because first off, it’s impossible and second, it’s too much pressure to even try. You won’t get there no matter what. Find a way to love yourself as you are. Imperfect. Flaws and all. Take a reality check. Most women have fat in places they wish they didn’t. Your forehead was made for your face and it suits you. Beautify with external things only if you want to. That’s the outside, and the inside is so much more important. Many boys, and girls for that matter, say things without thinking them through. They don’t know how damaging words can be, how long the sting can last. Because of that, be careful with your words.
And as for that diamond-shaped body you drew way back when, you will grow to feel compassion and understanding for yourself in ways hard to measure. In years to come you will learn to accept yourself, even love yourself. You will want to encourage others too. You will weigh 20 pounds more and feel more of a woman than you ever did. With each decade you will feel more confident, more courageous. Then you will do everything you can think of to share the message of self-acceptance, and self-love in the healthiest of ways. All this because you have to. Your life has led you here. Enjoy the ride.
With each decade you will feel more confident, more courageous.
— RCN
Me at 17 going to the senior prom
