What Comes After - episode 230
This is what you can do after. After the hard thing, when you come back to yourself. You can figure out who you are, who you want to be, and amongst other things, what your superpower is. Then go be you and do the things that only you can do - to the fullest. Because ‘after’ you’re still here and that’s gotta mean something. And it does to this week’s guest. Tony Hicks is here, and he has the superpower of listening. He listens with warmth, is respectful and genuinely wants to connect. Not only does Tony want to connect, he also wants to help. In his words he finds it extraordinarily satisfying. Tony is our final Superpower Series guest.
Patient. Non-judgmental. Hopeful.
— Tony Hicks
Filling Holes
Thoughts from What Comes After
I just got off the recording with Tony Hicks. I have never started a blog so quickly after a conversation but I could hardly wait. I was deeply moved by our time together and the humility that I experienced in Tony. I have followed his story for many years, since 1990 to be exact. I don’t really feel the need to delve deeply into it because the part I find so hopeful is what came after.
After, the key players came together and experienced forgiveness. After, they chose to move forward so much so that they created a foundation that would root itself in peace, in restorative practices, in teaching how to resolve conflict. They would take these ideals and make them a reality by bringing them to the youth in their city and beyond. Anywhere such things are needed which is in fact, everywhere. Healing is an action, it is a choice that requires work. It’s a process that takes time. We must unlearn some of what has been known.
Known through the holes in our lives, the places we didn’t get the love, the wholeness we needed to thrive. People do the best they can. When they know better they do better. (Maya Angelou) So when we don’t know, we are operating at a deficit. A big one or sometimes lots of small ones. This was me, this might be you, and this was Tony.
The part I like the best about knowing better is being able to see the deep need for grace that we all lack when we don’t know better. We never deserve it but that’s the whole point. Grace isn’t given because you have merited the favor, it is poured out because you need it. We all do. Me. You. Tony.
In my twenties I looked back and saw the places where there were deficits. My parents did their best. Mom raised us, dad not really around so, holes. I really got that they had done their best and if there was anything I wanted or needed it was up to me to get it for myself. And I did. In lots of ways. Ron and I recently told our grown kids the same. Yes, we did our best and would certainly have done some things differently. We didn’t know better at the time. Now it’s up to you to get what you want or need with any holes we left. We are here to support you.
Maybe that’s the bottom line. Taking responsibility. There are some things that are not our fault but they are our responsibility. I think that’s what Tony has done with his life. He paid the price and has chosen to fill the holes with good things: his work in restorative practices, his superpower of listening, working hard and giving himself permission to heal. Permission to live. He’s still here and there’s a reason for that. He is helping others fill holes.
What comes after…You get to choose.
Fill the holes: yours, theirs, and ours.
For more information about the foundation find it here at TKF an organization that is doing the work “driven by restorative and social justice principles that celebrate diversity, uniqueness and collaboration...” I support the work they do wholeheartedly.
