Desire Isn’t Selfish and Why What You Want Matters - Part 2 (episode 298-2)
What if ‘messy action’ is the answer to what to do next?
Marianne Iverson thinks it’s a great place to start. She believes you have to keep feeding what lights you up especially when you arrive at the place of having an empty nest. Then it’s go time. Marianne specializes in coming alongside these women because she knows what it’s like to cry in the parking lot after you drop your youngest kid off at college.
Marianne is our guest this week for Permission to Want More: What’s Next and What’s Left. This is part two of our conversation.
You can find Marianne at marianneiverson.com.
Just start, don't stop. Take messy action.
— Marianne Iverson
Something Better Than Worry
Thoughts from Desire Isn’t Selfish and Why What You Want Matters - Part 2
Marianne mentioned how she felt dropping her last kid off at college, crying in the parking lot. Whether we are parents or not, we can probably relate to the end of one thing, and how it leads to the beginning of something else. The feelings. The thoughts. The transition.
Another thing we can likely all understand is our propensity to worry about those kids, worry about our jobs, worry about our health, worry about…fill in the blank. We are prone to worry. Why? Not all things (most things really) are not in our control and we don’t know what’s going to happen so instead of fantasizing about the best-case scenario, we tend to think of, or even rehearse, the worst thing that could happen. And we sit in that.
As many of us have heard we are told not to worry about tomorrow for tomorrow has enough worries of its own. So why borrow what might happen then, and add it to today? Doesn’t make a lot of sense, does it.
I’ve had plenty of practice in my own anxiety-prone, what-if thoughts. I believe I have come up with something (with loads of practice and certainly not perfect execution). The practice of concern and how it is far more productive than worry.
I was speaking with a client the other day and we were talking about this very thing. I was sharing with her that when she worries she is only hurting herself. Worrying about a loved-one does not prove our love for them in any way, nor does it actually help them. It takes place in our head, and takes up far too much space, far too much time, far too much wringing of hands. It does not produce better results in the thing we are worrying about. So it is destructive, not productive.
If we voice our worry we are typically thought of (and maybe with good reason) as trying to control others through giving advice where it was not solicited, not to mention the arrogance of thinking we know better what someone else should do. Yes, we probably have more life experience. Did we like it when someone else told us how to live our lives? Exactly.
Looking at things through a concerned lens is healthy, it’s productive. It keeps things that are mine in my own space, and it registers an interest in how the object of our concern will proceed. If they want our advice, they can ask. Now there would be a caveat to this in highly dangerous, wreckless situations but that is a different blog all together. Not the same thing.
Let’s not work so hard to spare our loved ones from hurt, from pain, from deprivation. Natural consequences people. We all need them. For while we would not wish any of the bad stuff on them, they have things they need to go through to develop character, grow perseverance, and to experience highs and lows. How this all gets played out is far above my pay-grade. That’s where faith comes in. That’s where trust lives.
The woman I was speaking with really liked how I was differentiating between worry and concern. I could see it register on her face and in her body language. She was smiling and seemed lighter. It felt good to her, and that was the point. I know it has guided me in my own life to let my loved ones make their choices without undue influence on my part. They get to have their experiences, their joys, their missteps, and to go from there. Not worry. Concern. Try them on. They feel different. You’ll see.
Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.
— Matthew 6:34
