Do I Have a Seat at the Table? Episode 10
Kristina is right. She is compassionate, intentional, inquisitive and nice. Yet she is not a wife or a mother. As a thirty-something she wonders if she has a seat at the table as a young woman who doesn’t fit into those pre-determined categories. Is she “less than?” Is she “enough” as she is? You know my answer. Listen to our conversation.
If you really want to make a change,
Go to someone’s house and eat with them..
The people who give you their food,,
Give you their heart.
— C. Chavez
Be Kind.
Thoughts from Do I Have a Seat at the Table?
I believe many women struggle with their sense of worth which is why it keeps coming up in the conversations on this podcast. This is not limited to a particular age-group although I’d like to think as we grow (and get older) that we have a better sense of it within ourselves. Separate from any other person. Knowing you are a child of God, meant to be here, and now, is a strong start. But what about others? We live in communities so they naturally factor in to our experiences and perceptions.
I have been feeling very convicted after reviewing this episode there must be more we can do to build each other up. Kristina had great ideas when it came to answering the question: How to invite another? Ideas:
Pouring into others
Connecting with people
Exchange info and actually follow up
Invite others to casual outings
Look for opportunities
Send a text - tiny little acts
Having conversations
Asking questions - opening dialogue
It strikes me that all of these ideas come back to the wisest thing Kristina has ever heard. Be kind. Short, sweet and possible. What if we all started small, and decided to intentionally be kind. Look for opportunities. And if you don’t see them then by all means create them. They are there.
Wherever there is a human being;
There is an opportunity for kindness.
— Lucius Annaeus Seneca
Kristina’s Facebook Post
With permission, here is her post in its entirety. If you want to get in contact with Kristina to follow her on social media, reach out to us at unabashedyou@gmail.com and we will get you connected.
A long read….but, (particularly if you consider yourself part of the church), hopefully a good one to just ponder.
I’ve been reading and listening to a lot of material recently that talks about speaking up and using one’s voice.
Interestingly, my therapist has pointed out that I feel a lot of tension in my throat (Read The Body Keeps the Score!) ….because I have felt like I often don’t have a voice. Or need to keep it quiet so as to not upset anyone.
“Instead of telling your story at the end, why not tell it in the middle?” said a wonderful speaker I heard around Christmas of this year. Taking that advice...I’m trying to be more open & honest. And hey...vulnerability is good right.
I have a LOT of story to tell...but I’m not going to do it all here. However, something has been on my heart and mind that I want to bring up (and isn’t COVID related! Bonus!)
I feel like there is no place for me, particularly in the church. Identity is centered around being a wife or a mother and I am neither of those things. Do I believe Jesus has a place for me? Yes. But the people seem to have a real hard time making space for someone who seems to have it mostly together...but also doesn’t fit into any of the pre-determined groups.
So let’s unpack that a little bit.
From a young age, a lot of young girls dream of their wedding or being a mommy. And there is nothing wrong with that. But I think we are sending a subliminal message that that is the most important part of them.
A couple examples from my own life come to mind:
Youth groups---
“If you pray (or your parents have been praying) for your perfect person, God will bring them to you.”
“ If you haven’t been able to meet someone it is because you aren’t content with yourself and God.”
“ Don’t do ABC, but be sure to do XYZ because that will make you good for your husband and kids. “
I questioned everything about me because I THOUGHT I was content, I DID feel connected to God, and I WAS happy with myself….but I was the only one of my friends without a boyfriend. So something must be wrong with me.
…..I was 16.
Working for a Christian organization---
“We just need to find you a husband so you will stay in Wichita.”
“You will be qualified for that position once you’re married”
“When you have kids you’ll be able to understand”
One time there were gifts being given in front of a couple hundred people. Even though I led the entire event, I was called out by a different gift and the whole audience told it was because I wasn’t married. The married ladies (even those younger) received a different gift.
…..I was 22
Many of those phrases have continued to come up over and over again. The tough part is that it makes it seem like God picks those who he wants to have married. And if you aren’t “picked” it IS His will, but somehow you’re “lesser than.” What nobody is talking about is how you will not be part of the “club” and will feel less and less invited. Which, in my opinion, is flawed theology.
I’ve longed for mentors and community, but on the whole, people in the church don’t seem sure what to do with someone who is 31 but not yet in a family of their own.
In the past few years, I may not have gotten married, but I have
Graduated college
1st teaching job
Received a masters degree
Started a nonprofit
Bought a house
Left teaching
Moved across the country
Ended a program that meant the world to me
Turned 30
Started a new company
I’m super proud of those things. (and note that those are all things I’ve DONE and I think that things that a person IS vs what they DO is wayyyy more important. But for the sake of this read we will stick to that list.) And I’m so grateful for the people who have been in my corner during them. But, wow, it has been hard to feel like any of those holds a candle to the celebrations that come with an engagement or birth announcement. And unfortunately, social media makes it way too easy to see what people find valuable.
It worries me that people from my past (church, childhood, organizations, work, etc) are quick to comment on people’s engagements or birth announcements, but rarely show up to acknowledge other things in people’s lives. It just ends up sending the message that although we may talk as a society about lots of things being valuable and worthwhile...its not actually true.
Let me also note here that I have had so much more support throughout my journey than many people receive. There are many people who have shown up time and time again when it really matters. And for that I’m extremely grateful.
I’ve mentored a lot of young girls along the way, and I WANT to tell these young ladies that their heart, integrity, gumption, education, ambition and so much more is what matters most.
How am I supposed to say “your value isn’t in a man or children,” “you are created for a purpose,” “education and passion projects are wildly important” and “your goal should be to become fully YOU” when that feels like an internal truth, but an external lie.
As a society, I think that we are moving toward more empowerment for young women, and that is so wonderful and exciting. As the church, I think it’s important to make sure that actions match words. Not only is it critical to build up young girls as whole people in and of themselves, but also to embrace and SEE women of many different paths as they grow up.
I know that I’m strong, intelligent, brave, compassionate, and that Jesus loves me. But even the strongest of us can start questioning those things when they don’t feel invited to the table.
And at the end of the day, connection and community is what we all want. So maybe the point is for all of us to try and be more cognizant of that.
So let’s celebrate other accomplishments too. In general, let’s see people more for who they are and less what titles they hold. And who knows- maybe down the line engagement parties and baby showers might also lead to graduation celebration dinners or housewarming fillers (we can dream, right?)
I don’t say this for pity, or a solution, or really any kind of result. But it seems to be a topic that is pushed under the rug. Maybe that’s part of my role in the world-- especially if it acknowledges even 1 person who might feel similarly. And maybe if it was talked about more, change could happen and more people could feel invited.
