I Don’t Think Any Less of You - episode 254
It seems more men need to hear this: that they will not be thought less of if they share with someone a struggle they are having. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s actually a sign of strength because it takes courage to admit you don’t have it all together. Really, who does? Mark Hanley had many other insightful things to share as our guest this week for Let’s Talk about Mental Health. Like how important communication is in reducing the stigma when we are fighting to stay well. It can start one conversation at a time, and it begins with each one of us.
You can find Mark at Fallen Waterman’s Foundation. He has been on the podcast before in Never Let a Swell Go By.
Be proud and grateful for your strengths.
It will give you more confidence to work on your weaknesses.
— Mark Hanley, advice to his 10-year old self
Did You Remember to Let it Go?
Thoughts from I Don’t Think Any Less of You
Mark brought up an excellent point when he said he could forgive, but not forget. That is an accurate statement. We are human and definitely don’t forget things at least not intentionally. There are things we simply don’t remember or if we have memory issues, then that’s another thing all together. I can’t say I have forgotten any of the hurts I have caused others or those that were done to me. There are those I have let go of, and that’s the forgiveness piece.
There are so many layers to forgiveness. To forgive someone is to release the emotional hold the event (and/or person) had on you. It means you are going to continue onward without dragging it along beside you. That load can get very heavy, too heavy. Plus it does nothing for you, not really. Carrying it for too long is different than processing though it. Emotions take time to work through and then you will be ready and able to let it go.
I’m sure you can think of someone (or maybe it’s even you) that is still hanging on to something someone did. It seems like it was a long time ago according to your calculations. And yet they are still hanging on. I would venture a guess and say there is some kind of pay-off in their pain. There is a reason they are likely not aware of that keeps them stuck in a loop of resentment, reliving the details, unable to move on. And really there is nothing you can do to speed it up for someone. They have to be ready, they have to do the work, they have to choose to let it go. Some people just can’t. They are tied to that person, that time, and it keeps them connected. You know what I’m talking about. Some of their identity, their purpose is twisted around this person and event.
There is no exact timeline for forgiving and letting go. I imagine the more grievous the injury, the longer it takes. Makes sense to me. If it’s a small offense it’s easier to move on from. I think there is the event, the immediate feelings from the event, the processing of the feelings from the event, then the realization that the processing is over and the next thing you know, you’ve actually let it go, likely without making a big production of it. The alternative is you stay stuck in the latter part of processing, like a groove in a record that doesn’t go anywhere. (You youngsters may have no idea what that is, google it.)
If you find yourself stuck you may want to spend some time pondering what the pay-off is for not moving on. Identity? Connection? Denial? History? Fantasy? There are so many reasons and maybe there is more than one. If you notice someone you love is stuck you can do one of two things. First, let them. Let them stay where they are and figure it out on their own, not because you’re not a caring individual but because you realize they have something to learn (or not) on their own journey. Let people have their own experiences. Next, you can simply ask, Are you ready to let it go? If they want follow-up you can share observations but do it gently without a lot of detail. Keep the focus on words like seems (It seems like we’ve been talking about X a lot), ask them questions to help them draw their own conclusions (Is it helpful for you when we talk about X?), and when you do suggest, you can say, I wonder if…(I wonder if you’d find it helpful to talk to someone.) All suggestions. I’m not a therapist but you don’t get into your sixth decade without having some thoughts. And now you’ve had a few of mine. Use what you like and leave the rest.
Six decades does help with insight.
May your years bring savvy enough to share.
