Throw Yourself into It - episode 167
What do you want? And is it okay to want what you want? Two excellent, and telling, questions to ask yourself. They were both posed by this week’s guest, Andrew Gumm. As he has gotten older he has realized how much healthier it is to curb the people-pleasing and to find out what he wants, what he values, what is of importance to him. It makes sense to me. What would your answers be?
If you find yourself having to pivot, or choosing to make a big change, like moving, Andrew shares it’s better to be open-hearted, to be curious as you experience the newness, the differentness of your situation. Don’t retreat for there are lessons to be learned, life to be lived, relationships to be cultivated, new challenges to be tackled. And the sense of having met all of this will, no doubt, leave you with a deep sense of triumph. So go ahead. Throw yourself into it.
Andrew is a friend of the show and can be heard on the following episodes: If Anything, Be Kind and Making Merry with Andrew and Greg.
I am delighted by how delighted I am.
— Andrew Gumm on moving to Hawaii
It’s Okay to Say ‘No’
Thoughts from Throw Yourself into It
Can you relate to Andrew saying as he’s gotten older he’s gotten softer? Ok, for starters he’s all of 36 years old and that is something for sure, inching closer to middle age. (According to the internet, middle age falls somewhere between 40-65.) I have probably gotten softer too as I’ve aged. How can you not? For the most part I feel more patient, more compassionate particularly towards those who are being authentic and unintentional in their missteps, their desire to do, and be, their best is apparent. I may possibly be less patient and less compassionate towards those who are shallow and deliberate in their desire to ascend into all things that glitter or are gold, willing to tromp on all in their way. Thankfully I don’t personally know too many people like that. A couple maybe, but mostly not.
There are still certain expectations I have of people, and definitely of myself. Some of those have to do with basic consideration, common courtesies we extend to each other. After all we occupy the same space and are often in close proximity to others which requires acknowledgement, niceties, and even sacrifice. Like when you are walking down a crowded sidewalk and you move slightly to one side or another to allow more room for the person to pass you, and for you to pass them. Occasionally there are the people who are doing the same thing at exactly the same time so that when you go right they go left, when you go left they go right. A mirror exercise with a total stranger. And if it goes longer than 2-3 times, you both laugh and say something along the lines of, Shall we dance? A fun moment for sure. Not so fun are the people who will not budge one iota to accommodate your body as it goes on its way, refusing to give even an inch. These are the entitled ones and truly, they piss me off. It just doesn’t take that much to be kind. Why is your walk down the road so much more important than mine? Don’t get me started. Of course I have learned to quickly let it go but it does irk me. It’s like Larry David and the ‘thank you’ wave. You don’t exactly expect it but it is so satisfying when you get it. See! We’re living in a civilized society and that person gets it. When you let someone in, they acknowledge your kind act with a wave. I will tell you everyone driving in Ireland (we recently went there) gives the wave in situations where it isn’t even warranted. Talk about a kind people.
The next example is maybe more complex. Hosting a podcast means I frequently reach out to people to see if they would consider being a guest on the show. I work to put it in terms I believe in: it’s a conversation, if you’re nervous and also excited it likely means you should consider it, and it’s okay to say ‘no’ if it’s not something you want to do. I firmly believe in ‘no’ and its many uses. I do not take it personally when someone says no. For example, I know my husband and mother would be very uncomfortable being a guest on the show so I accept that about them. I’ve got some friends too who do not want to partake. I get it. I get the ‘no.’ What I don’t get is being ghosted, someone cutting off communication without explanation. I’ve experienced more than several instances of that.
I think it’s a matter of fear, of someone not wanting to hurt my feelings, maybe wanting to please me, not being able or willing to take responsibility for voicing their ‘no’ or they just plain don’t want to. If you can’t speak up for yourself then this is where fear wins and we lose our integrity. Let your yes be yes and your no be no. It’s okay to say no. And guest what? You don’t need to come up with a reason, a rationalization, an explanation or an excuse. If the person you are saying no to can’t receive it, well that is their problem not yours, and it is not your responsibility to qualify your no. Let that idea go. Oprah wisely said, ‘No’ is a complete sentence. And if that feels to abrupt to you try, That doesn’t work for me. I bet it will work for you. Practice, and keep it ready in your back pocket. I promise one day you will need it.
If you can’t speak up for yourself then this is where fear wins and we lose our integrity.
— RCN
Rock of Cashel on our trip to Ireland where we experienced the beauty of the emerald isle, and the kindness of the Irish people.
